So, some of you may have noticed some stuff going around Tumblr accusing me of being a rapist. I want to start this by saying there is nothing I can say or do in response to this that isn’t an abuse of the access to male privilege that I have. There’s no such thing as a win for any of the parties involved in this, because it’s all terrible no matter what. Lastly, I want to note that I’m also a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse. It’s not like I don’t know what it is to be abused in any way. I know all too well.
I also want to say that I do my best to practice good consent. I insist on discussing boundaries before getting involved with someone. I check in before, during, after, and days after having sex with someone. I also sometimes mess up. I sometimes forget to ask before doing certain things. I let people know before we get involved that I need clear yes’s and no’s. I’m not good at reading people nor taking hints. I also let people know that while I try, I still fuck up. We talk about the safety of saying no. I do my best to assure my partners that “no” is always a safe answer. When confronted with a no, I stop doing whatever it is we’re doing. I don’t always have the best emotional response. I try, but it’s something I need to work on. I acknowledge this.
I don’t want this to turn into a smear campaign, because it’s not about that. They obviously feel this way. I will briefly say, however, that one lied to me about being sexually and physically abused despite knowing this would trigger me and told me they were with me so that they can gain so-called activist points. They asked me for guidance with chronological lying and asked me not to tell anyone, which is why I’m still being vague. I apologized for hurting them in any way and asked if there was anything I could do for them. They said the only thing was to confess to rape. I don’t feel comfortable doing so. The experience we had together was incredibly uncomfortable for me in terms of cissexism. They know that, and we’ve talked about what happened a lot. Originally, we came to the conclusion that good consent wasn’t being practiced by either of us and resulted in both of us feeling violated.
The other person and I had a conversation earlier on in our relationship. It was about my depression, their depression, and how they interact or may interact. I asked if there was something that could be done in terms of each of us giving when we can give. I miscommunicated that and it came out really misogynistic despite my intention (and is, therefore, misogynistic). They asked me what I meant, I clarified, and we began to talk about our triggers and how they function. I didn’t know that they felt uncomfortable about anything with me until our break-up. Every time I checked in, I was told things were consensual. After being told that they actually felt differently, I apologized and asked if there was anything I could do for them. I didn’t apologize in the “Oh, I’m sorry you feel that way” sense that is really patronizing. I said “I’m sorry I violated you.” During this conversation, they said there were things they could have done differently, since I had no idea what was going on up until that point.
There’s no such thing as 100% good consent, but that obviously doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be working towards it. What these allegations have done, however, is make me question what truly good consent looks like. What happens if you do everything the workshops you’ve attended and the reading you’ve done tells you to do and people still feel violated? What does it mean if you both feel shitty about what happened? I was considering responding to this earlier. The only reason I haven’t is because if I say I’m not a rapist, then I’ll be an apologist. If I say I’m a rapist, then I’m confessing to something that I didn’t do. These people obviously feel the way that they feel, and I can’t validate that while speaking up. What I can say is that, yes, I have messed up. I acknowledged that I don’t always practice the best consent, and I will always acknowledge that even if I’m not being accused of anything seeing as I’ve done it before.
That being said, I don’t want to be the person who hides from recognizing fallibility. I don’t receive it well. I really don’t, but I need to learn how. I’m working on it by the way. Yes, I have messed up and will continue to do so, but at the end of the day, Tumblr culture will say that whatever I say doesn’t matter. All I can do is recognize where I have done wrong, attempt to resolve things, and go from there. Yes, I will always perpetuate misogyny despite my best efforts. Said efforts don’t absolve me though. I will perpetuate rape culture and have done so despite my beliefs and efforts. I don’t expect or desire to be absolved of these things. I hope to learn and grow for there is always room to do so.
Lastly, I’ve obviously hurt these people; otherwise, they wouldn’t be saying these things about me. I am not a rapist though.
Just got tested, and I’m HIV negative. Do you know your status? (Taken with Instagram at One N Ten Drop In Center)
White trans men, pay attention. Trans* people of color who were designated female at birth, we need to pay attention to this too, never forget it, and remind ourselves of it every time we communicate.
here i am with the famous ira gray
This is a friend I just met the other day. We’re chillin’ at one n ten right now in central Phoenix. He insisted on “inflating [his] neck.”
If they ever talk about “biological sex” as if it’s this sort of immutable construct, then I feel really disappointed.
Maybe I’m incredibly arrogant (and sometimes I am), but I just expect better from educators.
So, when people reach out to me and ask me what I think of some well known trans* advocate, that’s generally how I judge them. How do they teach other people about myself and my community? Is it inclusive and accurate? If it’s not, then I won’t refer anyone to them.
I recently went swimming for the first time a couple of days ago. The water was chilly, and I was afraid. In retrospect, it seems so silly. I was afraid that being in cold water with my chest would be painful. I’ve never been the guy to slowly enter a pool. Plus, it seems like common knowledge that dunking one’s whole body as fast as possible is the most comfortable way to deal with the temperature change. I got in very slowly. I’d take a step, wait to acclimate, and then take another. Before I knew it, my scars were under the water. No pain. It was incredibly pleasant.
Last night, I went swimming for the second time at my friends’ apartment complex. The pool and hot tub there had lights that would change color. This time, I jumped in and immediately swam across the pool. While I was underwater, the security guard attempted to reprimand me for diving. One of my friends asked me if I spent a lot of time swimming growing up, especially since I grew up near the beach. It got me thinking, and this brick wall of emotion hit me and hit me hard. The pool reminded me of the one we had in my backyard when I was little.
I had a lot of very genderbending moments in that pool. I remember my sister, my cousin, and I would play mermaids, and they’d elect me to be the boy whether I wanted to be or not. I sometimes wonder if kids just know these things, not just about themselves but about each other.
My family would always have these little barbecue parties at our house for our neighbors, for us, for other family members. It was our space. It was safe. It was where I learned to swim and where I spent much of my life, most of the defining moments of my life.
So, I’m treading water in my friends’ pool. I expected to be super happy about swimming shirtless, and I was. What I didn’t expect, however, was to be confronted by my history, by a family which is no longer mine, and by all of my childhood memories that cannot be replaced, though I attempted a bit.
When I was little, the boys would dip their faces in the water and fling their heads backward into the air as fast as they could. The result would be these silly hairstyles. My sister and I couldn’t really participate, since we had long hair. Instead, we would use the water to get all of our hair in front of our faces and slowly fold it over the top of our heads to create a sort of 1700s colonist wig look.
Last night, I made sure to give myself all of the silly, water-spiked hair styles my brain and neck would allow.
Taking Off My Pants for the RodeoH
I’ll share the basics right away for those who don’t like to or can’t read much.
- There are less parts involved than most harnesses since the boxers are the harness.
- The shipping is quick and discreet.
- They are ridiculously, fabulously soft.
- They make my butt look great.
- It functions as it should.
- The boxer briefs ride up really bad.
- The hole for the phallus is a fixed size.
- It’s pretty expensive for underwear.
Rodeoh, feel free to use images or texts from this post for whatever you want.
As you can see, the RodeoH boxer briefs have more pros than cons. They’re incredibly comfortable. The downside is that they ride up, which means they may as well be briefs (yes, they ride up that much) and that your entire packer will ride up with it. This can be awkward. The riding up mixed with how my packer fits in the harness made me stress out about my packer potentially falling out. I think having an elastic hole that could maybe grip onto the phallus instead of simply existing around it would solve the problem, kind of like a hair tie.. or you know, a sphincter. Whatever you prefer, of course.
Despite its shortcomings, the RodeoH is hands down the best harness I’ve ever owned. I hated packing before I got my boxer briefs. My last harness, the Tool Belt, hung low to attempt to be STP friendly but would result in my dick getting stuck behind my legs. I wouldn’t recommend wearing a small packy with this harness. If you push the balls all the way into the pocket, you’ll look like you have a boner. If you don’t, however, it hangs over the opening a bit too far (which is why I was afraid of it falling out). If it does look like you have a boner, you can put the phallus in the pocket with the testes.
I want to be clear that I don’t own a hard packer and have not use the RodeoH in sex ever. I wouldn’t be too shy to try it though. I’m confident in its ability to stay in place relatively and hold onto the packer just fine. I’m really easily embarrassed. Therefore, I tend to be hesitant to try things that may result in my being embarrassed. The fact that I’d try this is a big deal basically.
One day I was packing in some basketball shorts, and it definitely looked bonertastic. So, I tucked my dick into the RodeoH. I noticed that while I was sitting that you could kind of see the ring that the phallus goes through. It’s not just differently colored fabric; it’s an actual ring. It’s not terribly blatant. I am just one of those people who notices little things like that. This may or may not deter people.
It’s unfortunate that they’re way out of my budget, because I’d use these as my only underwear if they were cheaper. If I did that now, I’d only wear one pair ever. I don’t think I’m really into that.
All in all, I’d give it a 4/5, because it is fantastic but still not perfect.
If you’d like to get your own pair at a discounted price, use the code “riley” for $5 off plus free shipping.
decentkid asked: Who are some good role models and leaders that are trans*? And who do you look up to? :)
Nah, I’m kidding. Well, actually, I hope I’m a relatively good role model. I look up to Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore a lot. She’s incredibly analytical, and I just want to pick her brain metaphorically. She edited Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity and that gave me a lot of insight into having mixed identities and intersections of race and gender.
I look up to my friend, Kaia, who is also extremely articulate. Her Tumblr is transcreature. She’s one of the first trans* people I ever met. She was there for my first queer outing. She’s just super, super amazing in every way.
I look up to Pauline Park who recently did work in Israel with Queers Against Israeli Apartheid. I’ve been meaning to interview her about that experience, but I’ve just had too much going on at the moment. I should really reach out to her about that.
I also look up to CeCe McDonald. Her strength to stand up for herself against a Nazi astounds me. I don’t mean to shame those who are physically attacked and don’t fight back. I don’t know if I could or would myself. She’s going through extremely trying times right now. I wish her the best, and I wish that I could be as strong as she is one day. You can find out how you can help CeCe out by going here: http://supportcece.wordpress.com/.
I suppose I also look up to all of the queers who are 5’2” and taller since I’m 5’1”.